Monday, June 24, 2013

Anxiety (abridged)

There's been a lot of administrative turmoil at the youngers' daycare. So far L and G's class is the least affected but it's emotional to see beloved teachers caught in the crossfire and I don't want the instability to further bother the classroom I'm most invested in.

In that crossfire, I've lost a mentor and I may have lost the one babysitter whom all three kids love.

I'm feeling very unsettled about the mentor. She was instrumental in building my confidence as a novice mother. I felt continued reassurance in waving to her every morning. It was good to know that she's there. And now she's not.

We have been living in a terrible limbo since the end of school. Yesterday was the apex, also known as camp orientation. My anxious girl found a new coping mechanism: locking herself in a bathroom stall and refusing to come out. I do not have in me enough reassurance to make her world feel manageable. That is an excruciating fact.

We spent much of Saturday outside, which is why the lovely husband and I bought this house eight years ago. We love the big backyard. But then we each came in with about 50 mosquito bites.

I want to do all the things that kill all the mosquitoes. But almost all the things that kill all the mosquitoes also kill all the bees, and the topic of The Bees is a thing that brings out the worry in me, too.

And then Saturday night I found a scab on G where he had never been scraped, but then the scab started moving, and we found ourselves looking at our very first tick bite. And I had a small inside-my-head freakout, and I'm feeling very angry at my backyard, that tick- and mosquito-infested swindler.

And then I had to remove the tick, and afterward I learned through obsessive emergency tick self-educating that I did that quite wrong.

And then I fretted all day yesterday about the tick bite. I had lots of time to do that while cajoling someone to come out of the bathroom stall.

Nobody slept well last night because today was the first day of camp.

The first day of camp actually went far better than any of us hoped, but the sheer effort of surviving with apparent nonchalance meant fireworks and explosions of the loud emotional sort at bedtime.

So tomorrow we still have to survive the second day of camp.

But I'll tell you this: the deer tick that transmits Lyme disease cannot generally disperse the spirochete until after engorging on blood for 36 hours. This particular vampire couldn't have been there for more than an hour.

Spirochete are an undulating bacteria and so we end this day, hopeful for tomorrow, grateful that at least the undulating bacteria haven't won.

You have to find the silver lining.

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