Thursday, May 3, 2012

My personal hellmo

Mister man G has developed a wee obsession with my iPad, and specifically the Kideos app** from which he mainlines his crack, also known as Elmo videos.

(**If you have kids, go download Kideos right now. It's a YouTube portal in which all the available YouTube videos are pre-screened for child-level appropriateness.  Because after one delicate afternoon spent explaining what Dora's doing sticking that Map up her friend Boots's tushie, you never allow your kids direct access to YouTube again.)

Whenever G sees the iPad he begins expressing his love and his need. Hi HiPad! That's what he calls it: the HiPad. Mommy HiPad. Mommy HiPad Elmo. Mommy HiPad Elmo Ding! (Ding = sing.) Ding Elmo Mommy HiPad! Mommy HiPad ding now Elmo? Ding now? Ding, HiPad! And this his hands get all grabby and he gets jumpy excited and I just hope you weren't planning to use that HiPad for yourself.

The Kideos library offers probably 20 viable Elmo videos, but G has become particularly obsessed with this one Adam Sandler video. I will give you that it's funny, but Adam Sandler freaks me out. And I don't know why he doesn't freak the kids out because in this video he's at his Adam Sandleriest. He does that creepy grovelly scary guy voice thing, and I don't know why, but Elmo is completely unphased. He says, "okay, Adam Sandler, do your thing," so I guess the lesson here is we should take our emotional cues from Elmo, because he's good at reading people? Isn't this the same puppet who spent the '90s pimping his body out for tickles from thousands of strangers?

Watch this, please:
Adam Sandler thanks you for reading my blog; he'd like to wish you wellmo.

I've heard this song so many times in the past few weeks that it's become the running theme song playing continually in the back of my brain. Adam Sandler Grovel Voice sings in my head all day. It's the unlikeliest of earworms. If I can't get rid of it I'm spending the weekend building myself a padded cellmo.
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