Monday, February 14, 2011

The crumbled cookie

The back of my throat feels lumpy and I don't know if it's because I might cry or if it's because I'm getting sick but whichever it is, I don't have time for it. G has pinkeye and can't go to daycare tomorrow. On Friday I left work early when L developed a mysterious, itchy rash that disappeared entirely just about the time I got her to the pediatrician's office. The day before that, I left early to bring G home because of a bout of (teething-related) diarrhea.

Well, at least I can leave work and at least we're just talking minor maladies and at least we're all going to be okay, but:

I want more.

I want to be able to finish something at work without leaving early and frantic. I want to finish a thought, a sentence, without scrambling to another direction. I feel so frazzled and pulled. It's just pinkeye.

(This time.)
(On this day.)
(But they add up.)
(And I feel more behind.)

(And it's frustrating.)

But if I can set that all aside, tomorrow I'll get to enjoy a quiet morning with my boy.

(It's hard to set aside.)

I feel a responsibility to be at work although there's no question that G comes first. There's no solution but the problem is enormous: I've never really not succeeded before but this balance is bigger and heavier than anything I've tried before this, and I hate not being able to do it all. Pin It