Monday, February 14, 2011

The crumbled cookie

The back of my throat feels lumpy and I don't know if it's because I might cry or if it's because I'm getting sick but whichever it is, I don't have time for it. G has pinkeye and can't go to daycare tomorrow. On Friday I left work early when L developed a mysterious, itchy rash that disappeared entirely just about the time I got her to the pediatrician's office. The day before that, I left early to bring G home because of a bout of (teething-related) diarrhea.

Well, at least I can leave work and at least we're just talking minor maladies and at least we're all going to be okay, but:

I want more.

I want to be able to finish something at work without leaving early and frantic. I want to finish a thought, a sentence, without scrambling to another direction. I feel so frazzled and pulled. It's just pinkeye.

(This time.)
(On this day.)
(But they add up.)
(And I feel more behind.)

(And it's frustrating.)

But if I can set that all aside, tomorrow I'll get to enjoy a quiet morning with my boy.

(It's hard to set aside.)

I feel a responsibility to be at work although there's no question that G comes first. There's no solution but the problem is enormous: I've never really not succeeded before but this balance is bigger and heavier than anything I've tried before this, and I hate not being able to do it all. Pin It


Kelly O said...

I hear you. It's tough. I always felt that, with small kids, no one ever got 100% of me. Not work, the kids, my partner, and certainly not me. My needs were always at the bottom of the pile, behind the laundry and dishes.

It gets better, I promise.

LazyBones said...

I'm feeling the same way & I'm on maternity leave! My job has a major meeting today, which I'm missing, per my own choice, frankly I was a bit annoyed at having been asked to attend when I'm on maternity leave, but I did go in and write the midyear report, so perhaps I set myself up for that.

And I have strep and Lea had her shots and Finn is halfway potty trained and suffering serious cabin fever and general toddler-itis, and I'm having a hard enough time managing here, let alone worrying about work. But I still do.

And I've done the math a million times and a million ways, and it would be very foolish, financially, for me to quit my job, not to mention I don't think I really want to quit my job, but sometimes the thought of it sounds like freedom.

Which I also know is very foolish. Being at home with small children is probably the antithesis of freedom!

So I feel your struggle, and it looks like you do a great job managing three kids and full time work. I can hardly manage two and part time!

And it must get easier.

I wish you a long stretch of good health for your whole family!

Ninotchka said...

I could never stand up to the pressure of being a working mom of young children. It's the main reason we waited so long to try for #2 (and then it took a while to get pregnant...doh!) so that I could stay home and the only reason I said "yes" to #3 was the promise of not working. This is why I have such a deep admiration for women who do it. It is f*cking hard and it messed with my sense of self-worth something awful but judging by others' experience I do believe it gets easier as they get older. Hang in, honey. You're AWESOME.

Laura said...

I think you can tell by the comments you are not alone. Feeling guilt because your home with your child and not at work is hard. I've even brought mine into work sick for a few hours to balance my guilt. Make shift bed out of office chairs and blankets only got me through a few hours and then I realized I was crazy for dragging her in and shoould have stayed home so we left. You are a great mom, looking to be a great employee which I'm sure you are! The little years and work don't mix well but when you can push through the lows you'll have a retirement and healthy kids, well bigger kids. Winter is almost over and all the germs will start slowing up when people get out doors more. So smile and hold that fussy eyed baby because you are balancing everything the best anyone could. Smile, and hugs from a mommy who feels the way you do a whole lot.

a li'l bit squishy said...

The only consolation that I can offer up is that we`re all in the same boat. None of us ever get to finish, be caught up (or sleep through the night for that matter). It gets a little easier and then it gets harder again. I don`t recommend motherhood for the faint of heart, the guilt will kill.