2. I was disregarded: I told L that there was no time to polish her toenails before school. So she painted them herself. With cream cheese.
3. I was not peed on: G was lying on our bed and I was changing his diaper. He peed in a perfect arc. It soared parallel to his body, over his head, missing him entirely. It soaked his daddy's pillow, instead...and his very unappreciative sister's hand.
4. I was confused about my sexual history: L informed me that her daddy is the mailman, and not my husband.
Never mind that our letter carrier is a woman. What have you been up to lately?